Training horses has a lot of parallels to life and as I have come to learn, raising kids. Making the right thing easy and the wrong thing difficult is a good method for getting an aspirational behavior. A young horse to bend, a toddler to put on pants, an infant to self soothe.
Mark is really good at letting a horse make their own mistakes, he doesn't try to control them through force. Instead he lets them spook at new objects and trip over their feet while he remains calm and consistent with nearly perfect timing to give pressure and then release. Soon the horse is seeking the release and they both get what they want. Over time, it takes less and less pressure and eventually, he can move a horse in any direction at any speed with a slight flex of muscle.
I am good with a young horse too but admittedly, more controlling. I am scared of getting in a wreck and so, I try to protect them by controlling them and the long term result is a less confident and duller horse.
When it comes to our children, the instinct to protect them is obviously even greater. It is so hard not to get in the way of their mistakes. The problem in both cases, is that the message you are sending is not I love you and I want you to be safe. It is, I don't trust you or think you are capable of doing what I am asking.
By letting our children struggle they get to own their mistakes and they also get to own their successes. This doesn't mean I am about to send my toddler into the mountains with a pocket knife and say, "come back a man." Same as I am not going to rope a feisty range bull on a 2 year old colt who is not ready. But I am going to wait the extra 24 minutes while the toddler figures out how to put on pants or let him use the pitchfork to feed one tiny flake of hay at a time. And I am going to let him throw a complete fit, melting on the kitchen floor, about not wanting to eat dinner until he is ready to eat dinner. I don't have to join in the fight or change my request. Same calm pressure and consistent release.
I just want my kids to know that they are capable of doing hard things, self regulating, problem solving, communicating, trying again, compromising. I want them to go out into this wild world not protected but prepared. They will know that their parents are always in their corner and always wanting the best for them, often the best things come from getting uncomfortable first.
Well